Bank holiday Monday, end of May, I took another test after a negative the week before. Mike told me not to cheap out and just buy the clearblue. I didn't think it would make any difference but first thing when I woke up I went downstairs to test. Genuinely thinking it was negative, I was in shock to see the word "pregnant" show up. I burst into happy tears and couldn't stop shaking. Kovah came running in to see if I was ok and I said I was just happy so she hugged me and said "me too mummy." She gave me the biggest hug and I told her I was pregnant before I told Mike. We went upstairs to tell him together and we were all so excited and happy. In that moment it was just so perfect.
It wasn't until a couple of days later it started to sink in that the world was such a scary place, we were in full lockdown with covid cases growing daily and knowing I needed extra care this time being high risk I was starting to get so worried about being pregnant. The worry took hold the first couple of months, I didn't go out and didn't even do a food shop for 2 months. The all day sickness actually distracted me because all my left over energy was going on mothering Kovah.
That first 3 months was beyond hard. The mum guilt broke me daily. I longed for some help just to clean the house or take kovah to do something fun because I felt like I was failing her. I wanted help so bad but was far too scared to have anyone round in fear of catching Corona. Looking back it as such a crazy hard season in my life but I'm actually grateful I had that special time with her. I had my dream job before covid and lost it due to it being a wedding venue. But if I had kept working I'd be working with full blown sickness, kovah would be in preschool and I wouldn't have had that precious time with her before baby arrives.
I've been really surprised with how well I've been cared for by the NHS not that I've ever doubted them. I really thought everyone would be too busy fighting this virus to care of me but wow was I wrong. Its all been so reassuring. My consultant appointments have been very supportive and my midwives are seeing me every other week to reassure me and check baby is doing ok. I feel pretty relaxed all things considered. However I'm pretty terrified of labour.
I'm opting to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after csection) this time, which without a pandemic is scary. I never experienced labour of any kind with Kovah so I feel very much like a first time mum. But the thought of having to labour alone in hospital until I'm in active labour seems ridiculous and a thing of pure nightmares. Having had all my scans and appointments solo this far, it's been hard enough going through all the milestones alone. The anxiety I felt before each scan, not knowing if my baby was ok and facing the results alone was something I'd never wish on anyone. I can only pray things change before January and cases don't spike again.
Pregnancy in a pandemic isn't a joke nor is it something any mother should have to deal with but it has taught me an awful lot. It's allowed me priceless time with Kovah that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Its taught me that I'm far stronger than I give myself, credit for and ice had to face my biggest, life long phobia of needles, alone for the first time in 28 years.
No matter what dark season you're experiencing at any time of your life, not just Covid 19, there will always be something positive to take away from it. It's all about your mindset and believing you're strong enough to come out fighting.
My beautiful dress was kindly gifted from Pink Blush Maternity, you can shop it here!
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